still i will live here

SUMMARY

Not all scars are earned from battles. Some scars are given to you by force. And some scars, you ask to be carved into you.

NOTES

I will see your body bare

And still I will live here

—I Will, Mitski

Chilumi Month 2022 | Day 13: Scars

See the end of the work for more notes.

Childe fell.

Time and time again, he would fall endlessly into the lightless void. A black hole absorbing everything in its reach. Nothing could escape, not even light. Not even a fourteen-year-old child. Even in his sleep, he still fell. The fall was long, so long that Childe would often wonder if he was really falling or simply floating in the blank space of utter darkness. His only indication of the freefall was the inevitable end of the bottomless pit of the abyss.

The hit of the ground jolted him awake. It was dark, and for a moment, Childe did not recognize where he was. Panic rose in him as he surveyed his surroundings. He sat up. The blanket fell off his chest and unraveled the sleeping body beside him. Lumine.

Childe sighed with relief. Memories of last night came flooding back in his brain. It was one of those nights with Lumine. A clandestine affair that she started. Childe was not one to complain; in fact, he reciprocated with much enthusiasm.

At first, Childe was hesitant for a number of reasons. For all his proclivity for danger and impulse, he was not one to hastily jump into a relationship, much less one of a purely sexual nature. Still, he wanted her, in all the ways a Fatui Harbinger shouldn’t, and knowing she felt the same... Well, Childe wasn’t one to turn down a lady.

Beside him, Lumine slept peacefully, facing him, head resting on her hand. Childe propped himself up on his elbow and turned to face her. Fingers skimmed along the length of her arm, firm with muscle and laden with scars from various battles. His hand moved to her hair, threading the smooth golden strands. The touch drifted down to her neck, then on her back. An index finger trailed along a long scar, the shape of a narrow crescent, curving right beside her shoulder blade.

“Hey,” said Lumine, eyes open, studying him.

Childe smiled. “Hey, you. Did I wake you?”

She shook her head. “No. Nightmares again?”

He nodded. “What else is new?”

Lumine nudged closer to him, wrapping her arms around him in an embrace. “I’m here.”

“I know.” Childe held her close, his hand still caressing the scar on her back. Another scar mirrored it beside her other shoulder blade. Same length, same shape. He never asked where she got it from, or who gave it to her, though he might have a vague idea.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Childe bent down, burying his nose in her hair, vaguely smelling like flowers and sweat. He did not want to talk about it. Memories of the Abyss would be just that, only memories, not to be spoken of. Speaking of it was just tempting it to come into existence. To haunt him in his waking world. He was used to the nightmares, but he didn’t mind because he would always wake. To have that freedom taken away... No, Childe would rather not talk about it at all.

“I know how it feels,” Lumine started in a whisper, “to have something taken from you.”

His heart raced. It was rare for any of them to share intimate details with each other, and for good reason. Mixing feelings into this arrangement could complicate things, to say the least. The Fatui Harbinger and the Honorary Knight, except she was more than that now, with all the great feats she had done in Liyue, Inazuma, and now, Sumeru. He couldn’t help but feel small next to her. And here she was, about to share something about herself, for Childe to know her more than anyone in Teyvat did. Not that he did not want it—oh, he very much did. He wanted to know her, really know her, and not just the parts of her that she let him see.

So, he did not stop her.

“These—” Lumine reached around her back, holding Childe’s hand in place, right above the rough ridges of her scar, “—used to be where my wings were.”

His hand moved along the length of it, feeling the jagged texture on his calloused fingertips, a sharp contrast to the smooth curves of her back. Lumine hadn’t told him anything about her life, except that her brother was missing, and yet, the knowledge that she used to have wings wasn’t all that surprising to him. The image of her, standing tall, or hovering before him, with her wings spread wide open, bathed in golden light, or maybe she was golden light herself—it all came natural to him, like this really was what she was supposed to be, and whoever she was now was only a candle of the luminous fire that she truly was.

“Your wings must have been huge. Magnificent.”

“They were.” Lumine chuckled. “I wish you could have seen it.” She sighed, burying her face in his chest. “I have my glider, but it’s not the same, of course. Sometimes, it feels like my wings are still there. Then I try to unfurl it, and it's not there.”

“How... how did you lose it?” he asked tentatively.

“Long story.”

“Oh, sorry. I—I didn’t mean to pry.”

Lumine leaned back to look at him. The smile on her face made his heart skip a beat. “No, it’s okay. My brother had wings, too. Same as mine. We...” She gave a sigh, her brows furrowing. “We were in Khaenri’ah then. Witnessing its destruction.”

Did he hear that right?

“Khaenri’ah as in—”

“Yep. That Khaenri’ah.”

His mouth hung open. “Seriously?”

“Dead serious.”

Just when Lumine couldn’t get more amazing, she dropped this bombshell on him. Was she immortal? An Archon, even? Perhaps something more? Childe lightly squeezed her arm, making sure she was real. “No way.”

Lumine smiled, her hand on his jaw gently closing his mouth. “I know, I’m awesome. You don’t have to be so surprised.”

“I know. From the moment I saw you, ready to take on the Millelith on your own,” Childe said, pressing a soft kiss on her forehead. “I knew you were something else.”

“Archons, can you stop? You’re so embarrassing.” Lumine giggled as he left a trail of kisses all over her face.

“Okay, so what happened?”

“A god appeared just as we were about to leave Teyvat. An unknown god. Before we could fly away, she trapped me and my brother here, ripping both of our wings off. Aether disappeared and I... well, I fell from the sky. Literally.” Lumine let out a sigh. “To this day, I still don’t know who she is. No one does. That’s how my journey started. Looking for her. Looking for my brother. Well, before all that, I was also asleep for five hundred years.”

His mouth must have been hanging open again, because Lumine giggled and pushed his jaw to close his mouth.

“I have so many questions,” he said.

Lumine reached up to kiss him. “Save them for next time. Your turn.”

He smiled against her lips. “My turn?”

“Mm-hmm,” she hummed, and the vibrations of her lips against his sent a jolt down his spine. “All those battle scars and not one on your pretty face.”

The word ‘pretty’ had him visibly grimacing.

“Oh, gods. Sorry, I—” Lumine started. “I know you don’t like that word.”

“Thanks. Here—” Childe took her hand and laid it on his chest. He guided it a little lower, a few inches below his nipples, where his most important scars were. She definitely knew what these scars meant, but this would be the first time he would actually focus on them and tell her how it came to be. Her fingers trailed along the thin horizontal line of the scars.

“One of the perks of being a Fatui Harbinger,” Childe began, “other than the countless opportunities for battle, of course, is, surprisingly, access to free healthcare.”

“I was only seventeen then,” he continued. “Normally, it wouldn’t be approved for someone my age, but like I said, perks of being a Harbinger. Pulcinella and the Tsaritsa were very supportive.”

“What about the other Harbingers?”

“I wasn’t really… close to them. Or close enough to warrant any kind of… emotional reaction, anyway. Which I didn’t mind, really. Pulcinella having my back on this was more than enough.”

“And your family?”

Childe smiled. “They threw a—” he laughed at the memory, so sweet and heartwarming, “—a gender reveal party for me when I got home from surgery. It was great.”

Lumine was smiling. Any mention of his family made her so giddy, ever since she met little Teucer. She only had him for a day, but by the end of it, Childe got the feeling that she would not hesitate to kill anyone who would hurt Teucer. It made his heart warm thinking about it: Lumine’s big sister instincts activating at the sight of his little brother. Childe wondered if he would feel the same with her brother Aether if he ever got to meet him. He'd take him on a one-on-one battle first, that’s for sure.

Lumine pressed kisses on the scar on his chest, one on the left and one on the right. “How’d the surgery go? I know it was years ago, but I’m curious. If you wanna talk about it, that is.”

“It’s okay. I was nervous at first, of course, but my family was there. Even Pulcinella took a day off for me.” Childe sighed in satisfaction, reminiscing the memory. “I was out for most of the operation but after that, seeing myself in a different light… I felt relief, like a burden was lifted from my shoulders. Like I was finally home, you know? I haven’t felt as happy as I did right at that moment.”

Lumine was staring at him, her round amber eyes focused on him. Childe felt heat rise to his cheeks at the full attention she was giving him. This wasn’t a new revelation; she knew about it when they first slept together, but the way she was being silent now filled him with dread all the same.

“Lumine?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re not saying anything.”

“Oh, sorry.” she chuckled. “You do know that if I had a problem with who you are, I wouldn’t be here with you, right?”

Childe couldn’t help but smile. Warmth spread throughout his body at her words. “I know.”

“I’m glad that you are who you are now,” she said. “And thank you.”

“Thank you for what?”

Lumine kissed him, right on the lips, slow and tender, and archons, he could just melt into her like this. “For telling me.”

“You knew this right from the start.”

“I mean, yeah, but this is new.”

“This?”

She smiled. “Sharing. Opening up.”

“Mm,” he smiled back. “Is this what we do now? Sounds kinda dangerous, if you ask me.”

Lumine got up and straddled him, her thighs framing his hips, and oh, Childe would never get tired of this view. “You know I’m all about danger.” She bent down to his neck, teeth barely sinking in to his skin. “Wouldn’t be sleeping with a Fatui Harbinger if I wanted to be safe.”

“Is that right?” Childe replied, grabbing onto Lumine’s thighs, resisting the temptation to dig his nails into her skin.

“And if I said yes? If I told you I want more than what we have right now?” Lumine kissed his Adam’s apple, earning a low appreciative rumble from his throat. “What if I told you—” she said, “—I want you, all of you?”

“You have me. Ah—” a soft moan escaped his lips as Lumine sucked and bit into the skin at his throat. “You always have me, Lumine.”

Lumine emerged from his neck to kiss his mouth. “I mean... I don’t want to... just be like this.”

Childe cupped her face by the jaw. “Like what?”

“I want... to be with you,” said Lumine. “Childe, pillow talks like this, sharing stories about each other... that’s what I want. Do you get me?”

Childe got her... or at least he wanted to think he did.

“I think so. I want it, too.” His hand caressed her cheek. So soft and round and he just wants her. To be his. And no one else’s.

Oh.

All this time, Childe had this inexplicable feeling of wanting her, and he thought it had only been a carnal desire. But thinking about it like this, the synapses in his brain had formed an entirely new thought. That he wanted more. That he wanted her to be his, and only his. And all it took was Lumine saying it first.

“I want you to be mine,” he said, looking into her eyes.

“I’m yours,” Lumine said, her lips brushing against his. “I’m all yours, Childe.” Her hand caressed his arm, fingertips feeling along the battle scars on his skin. “And you’re mine,” she continued. “All of you.” Her fingers moved to his chest, trailing down to the toned muscle of his abdomen. “Mine.”

“Yours,” he said.

He wrapped his arms around her in a soft embrace. She buried her head in his chest again, and it felt... good. It felt right. It felt like home. Like this was where he was supposed to be, in her arms.

NOTES

I saw the ‘Scars’ prompt and thought, ooh perfect, I can write a fic about my headcanon of Lumine having scars from her wings getting ripped off. And then, I realized, the idea of trans Childe is too good to pass up, especially for this prompt about scars.

There’s parallels here: Lumine’s scars being given to her by force, where she loses something important from her, meanwhile Childe chooses to have these scars and wears them with pride. He loses something, too, but it is just part of the process of living his authentic self, which is pretty damn important. They’re both life-changing scars, one for the worse and the other for the better.

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